To Have a conversation in a bright white Sun.

Posted: September 25, 2012 in Uncategorized

i am complex.
well, if u ask me about my past, many call me psycho. i think im still… even now.
btw, that is not what i want to rant here.

complex can give out many definition. merriam webster dictionary define complex as :

1: a whole made up of complicated or interrelated parts 
2: a group of culture traits relating to a single activity (as hunting), process (as use of flint), or culture unit
 3: a chemical association of two or more species (as ions or molecules) joined usually by weak electrostatic bonds rather than covalent bonds
4: a building or group of buildings housing related units 

my definition: a braid of ideas which intercepts each others and forms a mesh identities of neurons that cover up a myriad of logic by definitions that can be decipher and can’t be decipher.

i’ve done several IQ test lately. and my current  average lvl is at 116-122. i don’t know how good is that, since i don’t know what can i actually do with such level of IQ? i can’t memorize that much, can’t read that fast, and not a math or calculus savvy. 

So, i think all those iQ quizzes are all bogus. well, either way i am someone who loves to make a conversations with others. Either in virtual or in reality. that’s what I am.

But, when you read, thinking of solutions of all those problems and stress out your brain with tedious and rigorous logic and concepts, u might turned ‘dumb’. Thinking for me is a continuous process. I just love to think of new and novel ideas. whenever there is any banality of my ideas, i wind my brain up, and start to unravel ideas from other concepts and logic. this process keeps on going even now.

I lost focus. I can see many possibilities in range, but i just cant ascertain the velocity and acceleration needed to make all those possibilities in my proximity.

when i was a kid, i think about 7 years old, i kept on thinking why the sky is blue during the day, and red before maghrib. why some birds fly high, and why some birds cant reach the other birds? is it because of their wings? or because of their shape and weight? just before i can do anything, when my friend ask me to play football, i always wonder why such a round canvass ball can move randomly in a dynamic motion, but as when the ball flattened a bit, the dynamic become unstable. i don’t know why i think over such things when i was a kid. i just don’t know..

I love to muse over why girls and boys must like each other when i entered standard 4. I see those things in TV, but i don’t care much of such things at all at first because there are nothing to cogitate about from those nonsense acts. i prefer magics and actions from robin hood ,Xena the warrior princess and Hercules more rather than those romance.

Things turned upside down once i entered secondary years of studies. i talked too much , and being alienated by my peers.Because of such turning of event, I shocked! Suddenly, i can’t voice out my opinions at all. People restrict me from doing so. I need to follow rules. I need to abide myself with all those rules. First people isolate me, and later I isolate myself. I am then all alone with my own fantasies thinking over lots off things, and later on because of such environment, i stopped thinking and start to accept the fact that ‘i need to blend myself with the environment, i think too much, i talk too much, i am too haughty, i am annoying and some other negative stuffs not worth mentioning.

Instead of thinking, i started to have wild dream in my sleeps. i see lots of interesting creatures, exquisite phenomenon, crazy ideas and sometimes, i can see a gist of events in the future. Meeting people that i dreamt off about 6 years back…weird isn’t it? 

I haven’t been able to voice out anything from my brain as it suddenly breaks-off in 2004, if i remember it correctly. I sleep, go to class, laugh when necessary, and many other ‘normal’ stuffs where malaysian normally does. i go with the flow. wherever the streams takes me, i just set myself on limbo and ride with it..

Yeah, i admit my story might sound less and bit phony to some, but as always, i take my writing to self first before anyone. I am someone who care less of myself as i think there are something bigger to think of rather than to have, own and practice such an individualism attitude.

Let me skip some years of my ‘normal’ life, as suddenly in late 2011, my brain got a wake-up call after some zikrullah, jamaah prays , weird events, awkward personnel and no less, those ‘bright’ dreams . Thanks to early bookworms attitude that i got from some of my virtual friends, ideas somehow ; flows into my brain again. Still, its not as good as how it is before when i was 6. practice needed, indeed.

Bright Sun… yup, as of now, i really love Sunny days. foliage dancing with whispering winds, and some glittering teardrops of leaves break-off with the dimming Sunlight rays..Alhamdulillah, I remember those feelings again.

Sincerely, thank you Allah for all these 22 years of experience. I do hope i can be a better Slave to Him, and a great leader to some, insya-Allah.

(I think its better to start accepting the good-nature of my conscience, and stop thinking such negative thoughts because of others perception) 


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